Friday, December 24, 2010

Modernization of G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe fans say stupid things, it's a fact of life. They also want so many different contradictory things that there's a reason Hasbro's all "Fuck these guys" most of the time (seriously when's the last time Joe fans received what they wanted and been happy. I'd say fuck 'em too). The greatest example of this is:


Every 4-8 weeks (Much like a Hasbro Direct mail order HISS) some stupid fuck on a message board posts something about a "Joeverse". I still am unsure why the fuck they say "Joeverse", maybe it's born out of the fact 80% of the goddamn population uses the term "verse" in place of "Versus". Some asshole says "G.I. Joe verse Cobra 2 pack Wave 3 are the best!" now the rest of us have to pay for the bastardization of speech with EVEN MORE bastardization. Fuck you I know my grammar ain't 100% but I understand how to speak.

Where was I? Oh yeah, assholes and there "Joeverse's", whenever one of those conversations comes up some jerk talks about "while the Joes from my childhood had 'Nam era backgrounds, my Joes have Iraq/Afghanistan war backgrounds"

Fuck You!

G.I. Joe isn't something that can work in a decade that's not the 80's. Ya know that decade where the US had infinite amounts of dough to fund stupid ass satellite missile systems (fuck your education and health care we gotta fuck up some Ruskies!). G.I. Joe can't work in another time, because if you try and bump it up your stuck in a decade with this guy as Prez:

"Slick Willy AKA Bill Clinton. The former Ppresident that was well know for his scandals has joined the forces as a con artist & negotiator. He will wine 'em dine 'em then stab them in the back with his knife."

Custom by a furry who worked at Wendy's; Medium: O-Ring figure and nail polish.

Or if you're like buddy boy I quoted your Joe Team is made up of National Guard recruits who in a time of GPS in everything, the ability to see Russia from Alaska and satellites that can zoom in on any goddamn person they want, can't find some old ass guy with health problems (REAL TALK: Osama Bin Laden probably died of Kidney Failure in 2002 or 2003). I guess that'd explain how the Joes could never capture CC.

In the end G.I. Joe is best when it's a bunch of jerks sneaking into countries and shootin' jerks in the head, while taking orders from some fag in a Hawaiian shirt who's trying to get coke outta South America who has Dennis Farina's haircut.


  1. The ease of modern tech. Since I'll never do it, I had an idea for a line for a dio-story, Hawk would say "We're soldiers. It's our job to do the easy and make it look impossible."

  2. Real Talk, kidney failure is serious bidness.