Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Race Changing, file names and a bunch of other stupid shit!

Remember when Ripcord, a jerk who did nothing of note became a black and therefore gained a character since now he was dealing with adversity and shit? Well Hasbro seems to think that's awesome (I agree!) and have decided in the new gay ass cartoon has made changes people might care about (I don't!) let's look at em!

DUKE (aka Sergeant Conrad Hauser)-
Squad leader
Weapon of choice: Plasma Pulse Pistol
A former Midwestern high-school farm boy/football hero, CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER has stepped into the role of “squad leader” of the G.I. Joe team. He’s instinctive, but believes in contemplation before provocation, and is always driven to do the right thing, regardless of what others might think. CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER is respected and liked by his teammates. He’s decisive and will bend the rules when necessary, but is wholly willing to take responsibility for his actions. His main concern is for the safety of his fellow G.I. Joe team, but he also believes he has a duty to assist those in need.

God damn, Duke is lamer than the raging asshole he was in the Marvel Comic. He still seems like an asshole, but more of an overly heroic asshole rather than smiley jerk who tells people off at a Funeral.

SCARLETT (aka Lieutenant Shana ‘Scarlett’ O’Hara)-
Intel specialist
Weapon of choice: High Tech Plasma Pulse Crossbow
A sophisticated, well-educated big city girl, SHANA “SCARLETT” O’HARA is a conspiracy theorist and truth seeker, especially when it comes to Cobra. She began her military career as a computer jockey, but wanted to get her hands dirty, so began training in Ninjitsu under SNAKE EYES. SHANA “SCARLETT” O’HARA is skilled at undercover work, and can maneuver her way around a boardroom or high-society reception. But, she has little actual combat experience. She can grow impatient and condescending with those she deems less intelligent than she (which is basically everyone on the team excepting SNAKE EYES), but she quickly comes to realize she can learn a lot from the “ordinary” G.I. Joe team.

I don't care about Scarlett, but the idea of her being a 9/11 truther is hilarious (I didn't read past that, fuck you!)

Weapon(s) of choice: Sword and Plasma Pulse Uzi
A mute, masked man-of-mystery -- not officially affiliated with the military – SNAKE EYES was a mercenary whom SHANA “SCARLETT” O’HARA occasionally utilized for special missions. He was well-trained by the secretive Arashikage clan in the ways of the Ninja. A loner who’s not used to working with others, even after SNAKE EYES “joins” the Joes on the road, he comes and goes as he pleases. SHANA “SCARLETT” O’HARA knows him well enough to “translate” what he’s thinking; rumors abound amongst the team that their relationship is more than just master and disciple. The G.I. Joe team depends upon the “shadow warrior” skills of SNAKE EYES to stay one step ahead of their pursuers, and his profound sense of honor keeps him “attached” to the G.I. Joe team and their cause.

Holy fuck that's actually a decent idea. However the idea of mute guy and redhead bitch isn't good. I want Black Ripcord and White Woman, ya know breaking cultural barriers!

TUNNEL RAT (aka Private First Class Nicky Lee)-
Medic and Infiltration Specialist
Weapon of choice: Plasma Pulse Sub-Machine Gun
Of Asian descent and hailing from Brooklyn, NICKY “TUNNEL RAT” LEE is an eccentric medic with a prickly high-strung personality and attitude. He spent a lot of his youth exploring subway and sewer tunnels. As a result, NICKY “TUNNEL RAT” LEE is most comfortable in dark, confined places and possesses an arcane knowledge of soil, worms, insects, fungus, and anything else that thrives under or in the ground. Known for his biting sense of humor, as well as his nostril-burning scent.

Why the fuck isn't Stalker in this?

ROADBLOCK (aka Corporal Marvin Hinton)-
Heavy Ordinance Specialist; Mechanic \ Driver; Chef
Weapon of choice: Big Plasma Pulse Machine Gun
MARVIN “ROADBLOCK” HINTON is a brawny African-American country boy from Biloxi. He’s a guitar playing head banger who’s constantly blasting heavy metal though his headphones, and singing along. He’s cheerful… boisterous… a chatterbox. As the team’s de facto chef, his culinary specialties tend toward roadkill. MARVIN “ROADBLOCK” HINTON keeps his positive outlook intact even during the most dangerous of situations…which is pretty much every situation since the G.I. Joe team have been on the run, trying to clear their names and take down Cobra.

Man way to kill an interesting character.

RIPCORD (aka Private Wallace Weems)-
HALO jumper/specialist
Weapon of choice: Plasma Pulse Sub-Machine Gun
A Fresh-faced African-American rookie who’s eager to prove himself, WALLACE “RIPCORD” WEEMS is an extreme-sport daredevil who is seemingly fearless in battle, and cracks wise every chance he gets. Arguably, his attempts at humor can get a little grating; just ask NICKY “TUNNEL RAT” LEE.

I'm gonna play the race card and make a comment about this being really short. Fuck you hasbro you racists. Black Ripcord is the only thing in the last 15 years of G.I. Joe that's been interesting.

FLINT (aka Warrant Officer Dashiell Faireborn)-
Commands The Falcons; a military task force assigned to hunt down the Joes.
Now a highly-decorated military officer, DASHIELL “FLINT” FAIREBORN shares a rivalry with CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER that goes back to their high school football days. And since DASHIELL “FLINT” FAIREBORN knows CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER better than anyone, he’s put in charge of tracking CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER down. Wearing his signature beret, DASHIELL “FLINT” FAIREBORN can seem cocky and egotistical upon first meeting, but – underneath -- he’s a very decent man who sees a very clear line between “right” and “wrong.” He has no patience for Cobra conspiracy tales, however, and is all about successfully completing his mission: the capture of the fugitive G.I. Joe team.

As always Flint seems to be the best, however this football shit is pretty retarded, unless Duke is in a Wheelchair!

LADY JAYE (aka Sergeant Alison Hart- Burnett)-
A tough and scrappy, “one of the guys” Latina, the “Lady” in ALISON “LADY JAYE” HART- BURNETT is ironic. She and CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER also have a history together (CONRAD “DUKE” HAUSER once saved her life), and she finds it much harder to believe the accusations brought against him and his team. Recruited by DASHIELL “FLINT” FAIREBORN to aid in his pursuit of the G.I. Joe team, she secretly feeds the G.I. Joe team Intel so they might avoid capture, and provides them with access and much-needed supplies in their battle against Cobra.

Yeah, that's a real Latin name!

A commanding officer who walks with a cane due to a combat injury, but is still tough-as-nails. GENERAL CLAYTON ABERNATHY doesn’t trust the smiling face of Cobra, but knows they carry a tremendous amount of political influence. There’s some evidence that he may believe in the evidence of the G.I. Joe team. Regardless, GENERAL CLAYTON ABERNATHY still feels the G.I. Joe team should turn themselves in, and has no qualms about ordering DASHIELL “FLINT” FAIREBORN to capture the Fugitives.

Man some of this shit reads like a bad fan-fic!

COBRA COMMANDER (aka Adam DeCobray)-
The leader of Cobra who hides behind the very public persona of ADAM DECOBRAY, the benevolent, reclusive CEO of Cobra Industries -- a man who doesn’t actually exist (except as simulated video images). The real COBRA COMMANDER is a mysterious, masked megalomaniac who believes humanity is doomed, and must be destroyed and replaced with something better. While not physically intimidating, COBRA COMMANDER inspires tremendous fear and wields incredible power.

"Believes humanity is doomed, and must be destroyed and replaced with something better." What the fuck is this shit? I liked CC better when he was a Reptilian Used Car Salesmen. Why is it that G.I. Joe a place that's online fandom is filled with so many tinfoil hat wearing nutcases who believe that Barack Obama is a muslim born in Kenya that they can't accept Cobra Commander as a Reptilian, Reptilians created the fucking New World Order man! I hate you Ronald Reagan!

BARONESS (aka Anastasia Cisarovna)-
ANASTASIA “BARONESS” CISAROVNA, is Cobra Industries’ communications director and chief architect of their benevolent public face. She’s also a ruthless, femme fatale corporate saboteur, chiefly responsible for covering-up Cobra’s nefarious tracks by eliminating witnesses and tying-up loose ends. As such, she has made the hunt for the G.I. Joe team her top priority.

Hey they finally stopped using that retarded "DeCobray" last name since it was a lame joke that went over EVERYONE'S head for almost 30 years.

DESTRO (aka James McCullen)-
A Scottish weapons dealer/manufacturer descended from a long line of magnates, JAMES “DESTRO” MCCULLEN began M.A.R.S. Industries as a competitor to Cobra, until M.A.R.S. was acquired by COBRA COMMANDER in a VERY hostile takeover. As “punishment” for crimes against the “Snake”, JAMES “DESTRO” MCCULLEN is forced to wear an irremovable metal helmet. He now serves Cobra with his technologically-advanced designs and business acumen, all while biding his time until he can overthrow COBRA COMMANDER and regain control of his family business.

Hell yeah Action Force characterization!

STORM SHADOW (aka Tomisaburo Arashikage)-
Driven by pride and jealousy, TOMISABURO “STORM SHADOW” ARASHIKAGE trained alongside SNAKE EYES, whom he blames for the murder of their Uncle – The Hard Master (one-time patriarch of the Arashikage clan). After catching a glimpse of SNAKE EYES on Cobra news footage, TOMISABURO “STORM SHADOW” ARASHIKAGE tracks his nemesis down, and resumes their blood feud. When ANASTASIA “BARONESS” CISAROVNA learns of same, she offers TOMISABURO “STORM SHADOW” ARASHIKAGE the resources to turn the Arashikage into the most powerful criminal force in the world, in exchange for his occasional freelance services as assassin… and bodyguard to Cobra Commander.

In the words of Major Bludd "Jappo"

DR. MINDBENDER (Dr. Brian Bender)-
DR. BRIAN “MINDBENDER” BENDER is head of Cobra’s secretive bio-tech division. A gifted, brash genius in genetic engineering, cloning, mutation and cellular regeneration, DR. MINDBENDER is full of youthful enthusiasm for his work -- even though it typically involves the dangerous, the unethical, and the illegal. Cobra’s secret Bio Viper program provides the perfect playground for this deranged scientist; what DR. MINDBENDER lacks in conscience, he makes up for with attitude.

That's pretty gay, but then again Dr. Mindbender has ALWAYS been pretty gay. Why did Hama kill Dr. Venom? He spent like half the early issues making him into a real character unlike say Grunt/Grand Slam/Short Fuze/Polish Tank Guy. I hate you Larry Hama!

A ruthless biker gang-leading thug, ZARTAN becomes a valuable asset to Cobra (and an incredible threat to the G.I. Joe team) when he stumbles upon and becomes the only person who can wear an experimental Cobra “chameleon tech” suit -- giving him the ability to perfectly mimic the appearance, voice, and mannerisms of anyone the suit comes into contact with.

That's a lot cooler than "Gay dude in make up hanging out with Tom Of Finland, Hunter S. Thompson and Ripper"

MAJOR BLUDD (aka Sebastian Bludd)-
A bloodthirsty Aussie whose dirty deeds are for sale to the highest bidder. And nobody bids higher than Cobra. An up-and-comer with something to prove, MAJOR BLUDD is determined to be the greatest mercenary in the world, and earn the giant paycheck that goes with it --especially the bounty attached to the capture (or demise) of the G.I. Joe team

I hope he's still a poet, poets are cool and remind me of some girl I knew who when she turned 19 married some 45 year old dude who totally had a poetry book that he made like 85 copies of at a Kinkos, I assume she's dead now. Also at least ol' Sebastian isn't "Cobra Infantry Commander" that's a gay idea!

Identical twins with fantastical abilities in hypnotic persuasion and mind control, TOMAX and XAMOT began as crooked cult leaders who harnessed their powers to fleece “Believers” – including BRIAN “MINDBENDER” BENDER. Despite being enslaved by Cobra, the Twins plan to enhance their natural abilities and unleash their wrath upon the world. The key to their success lies in their connection to one another, a telepathic force so strong that if one twin is struck, the other feels every bit of pain.

I'd like to know how they wound up enslaved to Cobra, also I hope they finally let it out that they're gay. Seriously some Italian dudes who dress the same and have a special bond are totally gonna be gay.

There you have it, a bunch of stupid shit full of really goofy sociopolitcal commentary and stuff!


  1. You know they've taken a lot of preconceived notions fans had about GI JOE and spun them into purile garbage. (This is a form response to whatever new Joe media there is.)

  2. I like how they put in African American and Latina in the little files but fail to say rich white girl or white back up quaterback.Bunch of racist fucks.

  3. You didn't make that shit up, Turk? Thats awful. I also agree that Grand Slam was not developed fully.