A Tribute to The Whirlwind...

A machine gun that doesn't take shit from anybody, and other small vehicles from the early 80's

In the early 80's G.I. Joe was simple, they were army guys instead of spacemen, and they had weapons that made sense. Ya know instead of some giant fucking robot that has a goddamn rock for a hand, they had the Whirlwind.

The Whirlwind is a bad ass machine gun, it had a chair for Rock N Roll, it could elevate, swivel and be towed by the Vamp. Speaking of Vamp's the new one is awesome as I can finally create a dio story where Rock n Roll and Clutch accidently kill a hooker and then they get Breaker drunk and make him take the blame. What with the four seats!

Back to the Whirlwind, it's computer breaks off easily and there's like four versions. There's one from Europe that's green and black, one from Argentina which is cheap and one from 2004. Fuck the HAL!

Another awesome thing was the JUMP. The JUMP is awesome because it's well built but mainly because it's really fucking far fetched but at the same time dudes'll be all "Look it's just a little advanced, but ya know it could work!" but then they'll be all "FUK THE TOON MAN, I DON'T WANT NO GODDAMN LAZERS!" It's funny to me!

Here is a photograph from our dear friend RTG, who is only affiliated with this site because I steal his images and he's all "Okay bro, but ya know I need links man!" Fuck you Roland, you ain't getting any!



Flash, I think the term is actually Giney Pig

Mental illness, missing parts and hillbilly ski-do's!

You know who's surprisingly popular despite looking like a homosexual, has a lot of easily lost parts and was more science fiction than Serpentor (and Serpentor was made up of the DNA of History's greatest monsters and a pro wrestler). Zartan

Zartan turns blue for some reason, I do not know what the reasoning was other than it was fucking goofy. One time in 2009 I was in a grocery store and I was walking down some aisle looking for toothpicks, which are always somewhere really fucking inconvenient, but I saw this dude who's skin was like navy fucking blue. He had like white hair and dark blue skin, and judging by his facial features he was a white dude. Anyways I guess that proves Zartan's super power isn't too far fetched.

Now the blue skin part is annoying, it means you need a boxcutter to open the fucking jerk, which is an awful lot of work to change an O-ring, but it's not even the worst thing about the fucking guy, I guess because he's an Extreme Paranoid he doesn't wear a shirt but rather he puts on a belly shirt with saran wrap over the nipples and it falls off all the fucking time. He also has those on his thighs, hey Zartan, fuck you!

Also he had a goddamn thing on his head that might've been a rag or a hair. You could take it out and replace it with Buzzer's hair, Spirit's hair, Baroness' hair or Raptor's bird thing. You couldn't however replace it with 1993 Zartan's mohawk. The world mourns the lack of squeegee kid Zartan customs.

He also had a Swamp Skier. It looks like a hunk a junk. So rather than fire some dummy in design they just said "these small vehicles fall apart all the time, look at the Silver Mirage! just make some box to throw busted thing into!" So you could put your swamp skier into a box and then put Zartan's backpack face on him and be all "Look at that old feeb with the box a junk, if this was 'Nam we could kill him and score some smack"

Here are some photos the only friend of Smash The State was commissioned to do:





LEAVE ME ALONE I AM AN OLD MAN